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BFFs
Rating: Teen
Genre: Gen, Challenge, Friendship, Humor
Warnings: None
Timeline: Season 10
Summary: "What do they have that we don't?" Teal'c and Vala remedy an inequality.
Series: None
Notes: Written for my "A-to-Z Stargate" challenge; campylobacter requested a Teal'c and Vala story with the prompt "dog tags"; mostly gen, but there's some blatant sexual harassment of Daniel... and not just from Vala!

BFFs

The first time Teal'c ever ventured into Colorado Springs unescorted, he returned with a cowboy hat, two boxes of candles, and a satisfied air.  The first time Vala was allowed out on her own—not counting the time she was abducted and lost her memory—she bought one of every color of nail polish at Merle Norman.  She also had an unusually relaxed demeanor that wasn't fully explained until Daniel received the credit card bill for services rendered at an exclusive day spa.

The first time SG-1's resident aliens ventured into town together, it was for a showing of Snakes on a Plane, which the rest of the team declined to see.  After that, they made regular forays aimed at gaining insight into the local culture of their adopted world, but one of their favorite indulgences was people-watching at Wal-Mart.

"Four pregnancy testing kits and a bottle of mouthwash?" Vala would ask, sotto voce.  "I wonder if she realizes she can't get knocked-up from giving a blowjob..."

"Despite what he may think," Teal'c would rumble softly, "his fedora does not make him look like Indiana Jones.  'Montana Jones', perhaps, for it is a considerably wider state."

"I never knew spandex was sold by the parsec."

"I am unsure if that is her actual hair or an albino dwarf mastadge perched upon her head."

"Budweiser, Doritos, and Red Man... is it any wonder Joe Dirt there is still single?"

"I have slain Goa'uld with a greater sense of fashion."

One day, Vala was trailing a lime-green-and-leopard-print-clad horror through the jewelry department when she noticed a display of cheap trinkets aimed at pre-teen girls.  She might have gotten away with little more than a new set of sparkling hair clips but for one set of chains which caught her eye.  So enamored was she of her new discovery that she promptly forgot about her prey and set off to locate Teal'c.  She soon found him in the sporting goods section, taking down a tally of the shoppers wearing hunting camouflage and/or fluorescent orange.

"Why don't we have any of these?" Vala asked, shaking her fistful of jewelry at the Jaffa.

Leaning back so he could actually see what "these" were, Teal'c arched an eyebrow.  "I assume you mean the identification tags worn by Colonels Mitchell and Carter?"

"Yes!  Wait... Daniel doesn't wear them?"  She thought she knew everything about the linguist she enjoyed stalking almost as much as she did the more eccentric patrons of Wal-Mart, but for some reason, she'd never noticed whether he wore dog tags or not.

"He is not a member of the military."

"Oh!" she exclaimed, frowning a little and staring at the brightly-decorated tags she'd gathered from the jewelry display.  "Well, there are three of them in this pack."

Teal'c smiled, inclining his head gracefully.  "There is but one tag on each chain, and Colonels Mitchell and Carter each wear two."

"Oh, well, I'll just grab a second set and we can string 'em together."

"I have a better plan."  Abandoning his station near the fishing poles, Teal'c lead the way to the pet department.  There, next to a pitifully sparse collection of dog and cat collars, was an engraving machine.  Most of the purchase options were clearly intended for animal companions—hearts, stylized bones, and paw-prints—but one of the offerings was similarly shaped to the tags their military friends wore, and to the pendants Vala clutched in her hand.

"Oooh, much better plan!" Vala exclaimed, nudging him aside with her hip to take command of the machine.  "Let's see..."

Over an hour later, the two aliens returned to base, proudly wearing their new identification tags.  The military staff were accustomed to the appearance of similar neckwear, so no questions were asked until after Teal'c and Vala cornered Daniel Jackson in his lab.  Teal'c blocked off his escape by standing next to the desk, while Vala seated herself right on top of the UAV stills the archaeologist had been examining.

"Like what you see?" Vala teased, hooking a finger through her chain and dangling the dog tags in front of his face.  The fact that this also put her bosom in his line of sight did not escape her.

"When did you get tags?" Daniel asked, defensively sliding his chair back a little.

"Today.  We made them ourselves!" she exclaimed cheerfully.  "Mine says, 'Name: Vala Mal Doran', 'Sex: Frequently, 'Blood Type: Naquadah Positive', and 'Date of Birth: Never More Than 30 Years Ago'.  I had to abbreviate that last one a little to make it fit."

"My tag is similar.  'Name: Murray Teal'c', 'Sex: Love God'—"

"'Love God'?" Daniel squeaked.

"No one has ever complained," Teal'c replied, smirking.  "'Blood Type: Jaffa', and 'Date of Birth: Before You'."  He reached into his jacket pocket and withdrew a small plastic bag.  "We took the liberty of procuring you your own set."

"Um, thanks," the linguist blinked, accepting the present cautiously.  He frowned over the first tag on the chain, but spluttered over the second one.  "'Sex: Not Often Enough'?!"

"I can help you with that!" Vala chirped brightly, earning herself a scowl.

"'Blood Type: Caffeine'?"

Teal'c arched an eyebrow.  "You consume more coffee than any two airmen combined."

Daniel grimaced.  "Okay, I'll give you that one, but why are there three dates of birth listed?"

"We were forced to make an approximation of the date of your first Descension."

"But I knew the date of your second one from the timestamp on the briefing room video!"

"Video?" Daniel gaped, horrified.

"Indeed," Vala and Teal'c replied, smiling at each other smugly.

"You going to put them on?" the irrepressible thief asked.

"I can't wear these on-base!" he protested, waving the tags in the air.  He switched his grip to display the first tag, which was emblazoned with a single blue letter.  "I don't even know what this 'F' stands for!"

Vala held up her own chain, which bore a pink 'B'.  Similarly, Teal'c displayed his own purple 'F'.  "BFFs, Daniel," Vala explained, as though it should be apparent.  "'Best Friends Forever'.  It means the three of us are inseparable, linked.  Friends forever until the day we die, and in your case, picking up again post-resurrection.  If you don't wear yours, then it just means 'Best Friends', and Teal'c and I don't get to enjoy the protection of your immortality."

Daniel rolled his eyes.  "I'm not immortal."

"There would seem to be sufficient evidence to the contrary," Teal'c argued.  "Do you not possess a number of swords?"

Startled by the seeming non-sequitur, he stammered, "S-swords?  What do swords have to do with anything?"

"Oh, Highlander!" Vala exclaimed.  "Wait, if you're an immortal swordsman, why did you let Cameron do all the Black Knight fighting?"

"I just owned them!  I'm not swordsman, I'm not immortal, and I'm not wearing these tags!"  Emphatically, he tossed the chain atop his desk, where the metal slips slid across the papers and came to a rest next to his omnipresent coffee cup.

Pouting, Vala slid off the desk and turned toward the door.  Teal'c also adopted a look of hurt, retrieved the discarded tags, and also made to leave.  Stopping just short of the exit, he announced to his smaller companion, "The briefing room was not the only location to possess a security camera."

Vala gasped with delight.  "You mean there was a camera in the general's office?"

Daniel felt the blood drain from his face.  "There was?"

"We could ask Sergeant Westerholm to make a copy," Teal'c continued, as though he hadn't heard him.

"And if she burns it to DVD, we can play it in the rec room!"

"DVD?  Wait, come back!  I'll wear the tags, just... Guys?  GUYS!"




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